Mom and Dad are Different
by Kyle D. Pruett, M.D.
Mothers and fathers care for their children in very unique ways. Children can recognize the differences between mother and father care, which actually enhances their development. This article focuses on the critical role fathers play in a child’s development.
Newborns can differentiate between mom’s voice and touch and dad’s voice and touch. Although mom may have gotten a head start on the bonding process with the baby, dads have their chance, too. By six weeks old an infant can distinguish a father’s voice from a mother’s, and while a quiet baby may pay more attention to mom’s voice, an upset baby will calm more readily to his father’s handling. Mothers usually are very consistent in the way that they handle their children, often picking them up in the same manner, saying the same thing before they handle them, for example, at bath or bedtime. Dads rarely approach the baby with such consistency. Each time they pick up the baby, they usually do so in a different manner than before, but this helps the baby recognize that it is dad who is holding him.
Time with dad is typically less structured and more play-oriented than with mom. Most of mother’s time with her children is dedicated to care-giving tasks or educational play, while dad’s time is less structured and full of impromptu play. Where mom uses toys, dad tends to use his body. Dads are typically more physical with the kids and they love it. Physical play helps to stimulate both physical and brain development. Dads also have a tendency to make any situation educational, even if they don’t realize it themselves, so that a father’s tasks around the house might be an adventure for the child.
Fathers challenge their children to learn. Obviously, both mom and dad want to help their child learn in any way they can, but they do this differently also. For example, when teaching a frustrated child, a mother tends to assist her in finding the answer; whereas, a father is more likely to guide the child through the frustration and challenge her longer to find the answer on her own. Fathers also encourage more exploration and boundary pushing than moms do. A father’s way of teaching his child persistence in the face of adversity results in positive academic and social performance in the long run. Certainly, one style is not better than the other, and children absolutely benefit from both.
THE ROLE OF FATHERS
Recent research about the role of fathers and their approach to parenting include the following:
- Fathers tend stylistically to encourage problem-solving skills by letting their kids struggle with frustration a little longer before stepping in to help. (Of course, there is a huge personal variation here, as there is in mothers.)
- Fathers permit a little more emotional autonomy during learning sequences with their young children, supporting and encouraging but without the same emphasis on intimacy that is more typical among mothers.
- Fathers tend to mix play with learning a little more successfully, from the child’s point of view, allowing longer work periods.
- Fathers’ more functional (‘do it because it needs to be done,’ rather than ‘do it because it will go better between us if you do’) approach to academic work builds in the child a larger range of problem-solving skills over time that probably contributes to more lasting self-esteem.
Kyle D. Pruett, M.D., is an advisor for The Goddard School®. Dr. Pruett is an authority on child development who has been practicing child and family psychiatry for over twenty-five years. He is a clinical professor of child psychiatry at Yale University’s Child Study Center.
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