Your experience as a sibling counts hugely in perpetually shaping and re-shaping your own perspectives and judgments (positive and negative) about how not to get stung in this hornet’s nest of competing interests, needs, and abilities.
I’m the middle of three sons, and have dozens of cousins. Several of them have special needs, but most don’t. I recall a riveting exchange from an Oklahoma Thanksgiving decades back where my loving (but daunting) grandmother chided one of her 7 year-old grandchildren for ‘cruelly teasing’ his sister; “Craig – you just can’t be that harsh with her. It’s your job to compromise – adjust yourself accordingly!”
He glared fiercely at her, went very still for a moment, and then burst into tears –“Yea, like I have choice. I’ve adjusted every day of my life for her!” and ran outside, seeking his comfort with the presumably less judgmental barn animals.
How many hours had Craig waited in waiting rooms while his sister received care? How many conversations had he overheard between his parents about her needs, compared to the ones they’d had about his? He loved her unconditionally, was incredibly proud of her, and protected her from insensitive peers. But wasn’t he entitled to think she could be a pain sometimes – just like all other sibling pairs from time immemorial? Couldn’t he not always have to try extra hard to make his parents proud of him since they worried so often about his sister? Couldn’t they talk to him about what was the matter with her and if she’d ever be normal?
These are the things that siblings of children with special needs struggle with every day, and here are some ideas about how to help them keep their balance (not to mention yours):
- Let them know that you expect them to have many complicated feelings about their sibling, some loving and some not; and that you are open to listening without making them feel bad about it. They are feelings, after all, not explosives, and ambivalence is a thread woven into every relationship.
- Avoid setting unrealistically high standards – emotional, social, spiritual, moral, athletic or academic. They are just who they are, not compensations for who they are not.
- Expect them to reach their limit periodically (just like yourself), and try to avoid shaming them when they do. They need diversion and recovery time at such moments, not sermons. Guilt about ‘being normal’ is nearly universal in such children; making the sermons at such moments a kind of double-whammy of shame.
- Nothing is more effective than mutually gratifying time alone with you, although careful listening is its equally effective clone.
- As children develop, their understandings (and their worries) get more complex, so have periodic check-ins with them about their (ever-changing) questions about what is ‘the matter’ with and future for their sibling.
Thank you for this posting! My daughter (who turns 8 yrs old tomorrow) is autistic, and her little brother is going to be three this fall. He’s starting to recognize that she needs something extra. In his mind, she needs extra bossing from him!
On the other hand, he capitalizes on picking on her. His payoff is that she screams when he bugs her or hits her. We’ve been working on gentle touch and telling her to walk away if he bugs her.
The suggestions you’ve outlined are great, and we’ll be sure to keep these things in mind. We don’t want either child to feel less worthy than the other, because we love them both.
Indeed. This is a fantastic post and thank you so much for sharing. I can understand since I came from large family with 10 siblings. To be honest with you, it is fun to be around with brothers and sisters when you grow up together!