A “blended family” is formed when one or both members of a couple have children from previous relationships and combine households. They are becoming increasingly common and at least one-third of all children in the United States will become a part of a blended or step family before they reach age 18.
Blended families should consider the following to help navigate obstacles they may encounter while trying to raise responsible, thoughtful, cooperative children.
Emotional Extremes
Children thrive on consistency and routine so it’s not surprising that the change of becoming a part of a blended family may be very unsettling to them. It’s normal for children experiencing this type of transition to have intense feelings of anger; sadness, grief, disappointment, insecurity, guilt and worry. As extreme and frustrating as they may be, it’s important to accept and support your child’s feelings. Listen to them and convey acceptance, concern and empathy rather than suggestions or judgment. Assure them that their feelings are normal and understandable. If you’re dismissive it is likely to intensify their negative feelings. Be patient and expect set-backs along the way – even when things appear to be going well. Lifestyle changes, holidays and events can drain children’s coping resources and trigger upset emotions.
Space and Privacy
Territory battles can become an issue when children need to share a room. Ensure children have an allocated area of the room just for them. Consider using dividers, curtains or the creative arrangement of furniture to make a more comfortable, personal place. Provide each child with a box or drawer to keep their special belongings that is off limits to others. It’s important that family members respect each other’s privacy.
Rules and Roles
Couples should openly discuss their parenting values to encourage a consistent approach. Discuss what your behavior expectations are and find reasonable compromises for any areas where you and your partner differ. Decide on clear family rules and stick to them. As children get older you may need to make age-appropriate revisions. It’s important to maintain a united front when it comes to boundaries, rules and discipline. Rules should be consistently and fairly applied to all children in the family.
Quality Time
Feelings of jealousy are almost to be expected when families merge. Children can become envious of the relationships you are forming with the new members of your family. Maintain a close relationship with your child by regularly spending time alone with them. Simple activities like going for a walk or a ride in the car together can create an opportunity to reconnect. This individual attention will help support them through this difficult transition.
Problem Solving
To avoid simmering resentment, frustration, hurt feelings and bickering, arrange regular family meetings. This is a great way for parents to make sure that everyone is on the same page as far as rules and expectations while also allowing children to feel that they are being heard and included. Everyone should be given equal opportunity to respectfully discuss their opinions. Focus on developing practical strategies together to avoid problems in the future.
Children in blended families may at first be resistant to many of the new changes occurring. However, most blended families work through these growing pains successfully. Positive attitudes, mutual respect, open communication and lots of love and patience are all important ingredients in the recipe for a healthy blended family.
