Posts Tagged ‘Parents’

The Tender Touch: The Value of Parental Love

Wednesday, December 28th, 2011

The way we handle our children physically is crucial to their developing self-esteem. We convey our children’s inestimable value through the ways we touch. As important as words are over time, the way we are with them from the beginning matters more than what we say.

In addition to the value of a loving touch, we parent best when we stay emotionally available and warm with our children. When we are able to sustain this availability as a constant through our “parental tone”–through feeding, bathing, dressing (when they are babies), meals, limit settings, awakenings and bedtime for older children–it helps us stay responsive to our children’s cues. That’s why it’s best to pick up those crying babies in the first six months of life and see what the problem might be, no matter how many times you have done it before. Or to put your arm around the pouting toddler and say, “I’m right here–what do you need?” If you are lucky enough to figure it out, the baby or toddler will respond instantly, and if you’re not, at least you’ve shared a good, if noisy, cuddle in the meantime. There is no harm in showing him you are there for him and you care enough to try.

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First Time Parenting

Thursday, May 5th, 2011

Becoming a parent is like nothing you’ve ever experienced before. There are countless surprises in the event itself, even if you are in the minority of parents who were able to thoughtfully plan whether and when this should happen to you. Parenting is an important job we feel must be done well, which makes it all the more uncomfortable to feel so clueless about what’s happening to you, your marriage and your body. Moms are supposed to ’just know’ what to do, and fathers are supposed to ‘just know’ how to help them. Neither of these maxims helps much because they are mostly wrong and arcane. And if you are an adult when you become a parent, you are accustomed to knowing what to do as you work your way through your daily life – it’s probably been a while since you felt this inept, sacrificed this much sleep, effort and confidence and all for what – a few gassy smiles and some drool?

A few noteworthy first timer tips:

  • The ‘sensory surprise’ is my phrase for what catches many moms and dads off guard early on; holding the naked baby next to your skin (which is a very good thing to do) is calming and soothing for both you and the baby. Who knew? This touching, smelling, caressing stuff helps us find each other as sensory beings in this way too verbal world.  This is especially true for dads who have been in the cheap seats for the physical/sensory aspects of the gestation.
  • The ‘vocal surprise’ follows. When was the last time you found yourself singing or humming to anyone who would listen? Babies listen intently and seem to have an appetite for the human voice when it’s playing with sounds as in rhythmic speech, singing or cooing. Don’t hold back. This is the vocal equivalent of skin-to-skin cuddling and is just as enriching for both of you.
  • The next ‘surprise’ for the first timer might be the magical effect of swaddling on a fussy baby. Firmly but tenderly securing the babies arms and legs in the swaddling blanket keeps the baby warm and secure and is an important thing to learn how to do well. It seems to automatically comfort most babies and makes you feel like you know what you’re doing – especially important for first-time dads.
  • Two-thirds of his/her early life will be devoted to sleep, lumped into three-or four-hour segments at first. Sleeping through the night will come, but stomach capacities of the newborn aren’t initially adequate to this task. So get yourself informed about what to expect, problem-solving with your nurse/pediatrician ahead of time.  Sleep issues are among the thorniest for first timers, so listen to the seasoned pros about whether to sweat or not.
  • First time parents are often accompanied by first time grandparents. Here are a few tips for the first time grandparent:
    • Ask permission before rattling off advice. Egos are a little raw just now, so make sure you aren’t overstepping family boundaries.
    • Support the parents, both of them. Show them your tricks only if asked; this child is theirs, not yours.
    • Don’t expect much attention or entertainment when helping out.
    • When you help, help them both.  Helping your child’s partner is helping your child raise your grandchild.

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Mom and Dad are Different: The Critical Role of Fathers

Thursday, March 25th, 2010

Family - Father DaughterMothers and fathers care for their children in very unique ways.  Children can recognize the differences between mother and father care, which actually enhances their development.  This article focuses on the critical role fathers play in a child’s development.

Newborns can differentiate between mom’s voice and touch and dad’s voice and touch.  Although mom may have gotten a head start on the bonding process with the baby, dads have their chance, too.  By six weeks old an infant can distinguish a father’s voice from a mother’s, and while a quiet baby may pay more attention to mom’s voice, an upset baby will calm more readily to his father’s handling.  Mothers usually are very consistent in the way that they handle their children, often picking them up in the same manner, saying the same thing before they handle them, for example, at bath or bedtime.  Dads rarely approach the baby with such consistency.  Each time they pick up the baby, they usually do so in a different manner than before, but this helps the baby recognize that it is dad who is holding him.

Time with dad is typically less structured and more play-oriented than with mom.  Most of mother’s time with her children is dedicated to care-giving tasks or educational play, while dad’s time is less structured and full of impromptu play.  Where mom uses toys, dad tends to use his body.  Dads are typically more physical with the kids and they love it.  Physical play helps to stimulate both physical and brain development.  Dads also have a tendency to make any situation educational, even if they don’t realize it themselves, so that a father’s tasks around the house might be an adventure for the child.

Fathers challenge their children to learn.  Obviously, both mom and dad want to help their child learn in any way they can, but they do this differently also.  For example, when teaching a frustrated child, a mother tends to assist her in finding the answer; whereas, a father is more likely to guide the child through the frustration and challenge her longer to find the answer on her own.  Fathers also encourage more exploration and boundary pushing than moms do.  A father’s way of teaching his child persistence in the face of adversity results in positive academic and social performance in the long run.  Certainly, one style is not better than the other, and children absolutely benefit from both.

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