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Posts Tagged ‘Responsibility’

Be A Guide, Not A Guard: How To Raise A Happy And Responsible Kid

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“Be a guide, not a guard” perfectly describes the kinds of parenting behaviors that create happy and responsible children. It’s a term I learned at a recent training session focused on reducing controlling parenting behaviors.

When I ask parents “what have you tried to help change your child’s behavior?” little breaks my heart more than hearing a long list of punishments. The story will go something like, “the rule is that he is to clean up his room but he never does it so we took away his tablet, then banned watching TV, we put him in time out all day, cancelled his play dates with his friends and then grounded him for a month. It doesn’t matter what we do, he doesn’t care.”

This is parenting like a guard. It is inflexible, rules-based parenting that requires punishment when a child doesn’t behave. The most anti-social children are often parented in this way. They don’t care about the meaning of the rules set; instead they decide whether to comply based on whether they will get hurt. Controlling parenting practices are also correlated to poor mental health in children and youth.

When we parent like a guard we are trying to stop behavior through control and dominance. In an attempt to get rid of the behaviors we don’t like, we use consequences. A guard expects trouble and treats people as such. A guard does not care whether you feel sad, confused or don’t feel like you belong. A guard only cares if you comply. As a guard we can’t be flexible and this means if a child doesn’t comply, regardless of the reason, our only option is to escalate the consequences until they do. Even if this means excluding them from the very systems we want them to belong to.

When we parent as a guide we work to encourage behaviors we want to see in our children. We help children belong in our world and all the systems that come with that. We use care and compassion in our parenting practices. When we see unwanted behavior that cannot work or is unacceptable in our systems, we look at what steps we can take to help that child learn to fit better in our world. We don’t use harsh consequences that will exclude the child from the system; instead we see their difficulty as a skill deficit. We don’t use escalating consequences; instead we look for ways for children to want to be part of the system and to want to please us.

As guides, we help children develop internal motivation to do what is right because it’s right, rather than to do what is right to avoid being punished. We want our children to comply because they want to be part of our community, they want to help us and because they understand the value of their chosen behavior.

How To Be A Guide

1. See your child’s perspective.

Being able to hold your child’s perspective is essential to being a guide. It helps parents understand how best to help their child. It helps us identify that difficult behaviors are often related to emotions or skills deficits. This doesn’t mean we accept all behaviors as okay, it means that we understand that there is a meaning to whatever behavior we are seeing.

2. Encourage behavior through praise and noticing.

Children love receiving genuine praise and being noticed. If they feel you genuinely care about them rather than that you are trying to control their behavior, they are more motivated to work for you. Children are less receptive to praise that functions to control behavior such as “aren’t you a good boy for sitting up straight today?” A genuine, “I can really see you are listening, and that makes me feel good,” is more effective.

3. Promote values-based living.

Show your child what matters through the way you live. If you want to raise a kind and responsible child, lead by modeling kind and responsible behavior. Notice when your child is kind and responsible and praise the behavior.

4. Be flexible where possible.

Give your child opportunities to choose. Avoid controlling choices unless there is a good reason not to offer a choice such as safety or legality. Guides raise kids who choose to be responsible. Guards raise kids who conform to avoid a consequence.

5. Promote intrinsic goals over extrinsic goals.

Encourage your child to do things for personal growth, for health, to create meaningful relationships and contribute to their community as opposed to doing things to achieve financial success, popularity, power or for their image. People with intrinsic goals are happier and engage in more pro-social behavior.

Next time you see your child doing something that you don’t like, whisper to yourself: “Be a guide, not a guard.”

Acknowledgement: Thanks and gratitude toDarin Cairnsfor introducing me to the helpful term “Be a guide, not a guard.”

 

This article was written by Motherly from Huffington Post and was legally licensed through the NewsCred publisher network. Please direct all licensing questions to legal@newscred.com.

Summer is Upon Us

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The kids are out of school – now what? Summer camp, summer school, amusement parks, sleep ins, sleep overs, party, pow wows at the park, extended weekends, family reunion, vacation, family time… But what about those chores? The ones that you hardly have time to complete all on your own. The ones that you’ve been hanging onto since the first day of Spring.

Growing up for me, a country girl- Alabama, chores were apart of a daily routine. They didn’t just happen during the 3-month summer vacation from school. They weren’t assigned as a weekend only type deal. There was work to be done, every single day of the week. Our chores may have increased on the weekend and during the summer, but days were never absent or short of the responsibility to complete chores.

From raking the leaves in the front and backyard, to vacuuming the house, polishing silver, Windex the glass, washing dishes, mopping the floor, putting away the dishes, dusting the furniture, cleaning our rooms, doing the laundry and helping in any other way around the house. Sometimes that meant rearranging furniture with my OCD dad.

Doing chores almost super exceeded extra curricular activities outside of the house. The responsibility of doing chores, topped the “most important thing to do in the Kenny household’, list. Nice and tidy. My mother and father ran a tight ship. Dad with his strict set of rules sometimes leaked over into just how perfectly the bed had to be made- a chore in and within itself.

There was never anything in place to make these chores fun. And as a rule of thumb, the values that were impressed upon us came with understanding a chore, as responsibility and no rewards are given or to be expected, for doing what you are supposed to do anyway.

While that idea has stained itself on my way of parenting, I have decided to add some spice to the value; without loosing the flavor. Meaning, I do think it’s ok to reward good behavior … And I do think you can still maintain the value in the lesson of doing what’s required, without expecting rewards. And because I think most people do a better job at anything, when they feel appreciated.

Here are a few things to consider, that I’ve personally improved the chore system, to make it something fun, while rewarding and teaching. Wax on… Wax off…. (Some of you know exactly where that comes from) and that’s why I know now, that doing my chores as a child, was not all for nothing. “First learn stand, then learn fly. Nature rule Daniel son, not mine” Mr Miyagi

Competition — Make it a race. A fun- Family-friendly, race. One that encourages friendly camaraderie.

They have to do the chore anyway- bottom line. So how about a lesson within the responsibility. How about, maximize the learning opportunity by introducing concepts. Concepts of winning, loosing, completion, efficiency, accuracy, effectiveness. Inspections after the chore can determine this and if can be rated on a star scale. If you have more than one child, you can assign responsibilities that are age appropriate and place them in in a track bracket. Who can make it to the 100-yard finish line?

In implementing this competitive route to doing chores, I think it teaches perspective team work, creative ways of doing things, allowing them to maneuver through the task and find what works best. I think it helps them to develop the right attitude and perspective on handling assignments that will be competitive assigned to later; without being sore losers or overly aggressive obnoxious winners.

(Keep the discussion of wins, loose or draw, nearby. So that your child doesn’t feel like they are a looser and so that they won’t misunderstand the benefit of the lessons). “It’s ok to lose to opponent. It’s never okay to lose to fear” Mr Miyagi

One mom said, “there are no losers” and while I agree when it comes to children, we can’t extract that from the fact that there are times in life where they will not finish first. There are times where it’s going to be very clear that the best is who will be chosen. We cannot ignore that, out of the fear that we are teaching our children to compete. Stay with me on this.

Goal markers (100 yard line markers) (3 point basketball shots) (point system) how many points do they need for 10$ to go to the movies on Friday (teenager) how many points to go to get ice cream on Saturday (toddler) you’re taking them for ice cream anyway and you are also giving your teenager money for movies anyway… Why not make them earn it?

Make it a board game like monopoly – replacing the monopoly spaces with places your child of teenager wants to go, or with things they want or with things that you want your child to do. Don’t sleep on books. Books are rewards too. Dinner certificates, Gift certificates, amazon gift certificates for teenager or even smaller children, mani pedi for girls, spa day, golf lessons, track sessions, gift bags, swag bags, gift sets with educational material. The list goes on.

I’ve placed things like (get out of jail free) if you make it there from performing chores, then you may have an extra hour on curfew or an extra $10 to go out Friday or a ticket to a ball game etc. big and small items can go on the board and it can be customized to your pocketbook. Creative things that cost nothing can be placed on the board. Prizes -small and creative. Allowance- incentive -Rewards- (movie, outdoor activity of child’s choice, healthy cupcake etc. Praise – make sure to congratulate and uplift them, by telling how important it was. Assigning chores, gives responsibility and the act of successfully completing it makes them feel great!

“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.” ― Dr. Seuss, I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!

 

This article was written by Niedria D. Kenny from Working Mother and was legally licensed through the NewsCred publisher network. Please direct all licensing questions to legal@newscred.com.

A Child’s First Pet

Many children plead, “Please mom, dad, I need one. I’ll take good care of it.” Can you guess what this is all about? Yes, that furry bundle of responsibility known as a pet. As parents, our first thoughts might be the dirty messes in our homes, the many extra expenses or the cold, nightly walks with a beloved fur ball in less than ideal weather. However, a pet can be a great friend for your child; it can teach him responsibility and provide him with many other benefits.

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Having a pet offers your child a best friend, a constant companion and an audience to listen to her imaginative stories. This will boost her confidence while she is learning to read. Some children can be shy about reading out loud. Reading to a pet can provide your child with a reason to practice reading aloud without feeling embarrassed, leading to increased reading skills over time.

Caring for a pet also teaches children responsibility by their having to perform simple tasks that are vital to an animal’s health. This includes feeding the pet on a schedule, cleaning up after the pet and providing it with exercise. Reinforcing the importance of responsibility, even at a young age, can help children learn valuable life lessons.

How does your family’s lovable furry friend benefit your child?

Puppy Love: Family Pets & Responsibility

Including our children in the care of our beloved family pets can provide valuable lessons on love, kindness, gentleness and responsibility. Here are some doggone great ways (supervised, of course) children of varying ages and stages can participate.

  • Babies can begin to learn about being gentle and soft while petting a furry pet. Little ones who are a bit too rough can practice petting a stuffed animal first—it’s important to consider the safety of our children and our pets!
  • Toddlers can learn to brush a bunny, cat or dog.
  • Toddlers and preschoolers can use measuring cups to fill food bowls.
  • Preschoolers can practice learning how to tell time when given the responsibility of announcing “feeding time” of any type of pet—fluffy or scaly.
  • Older children may practice taking the dog for a walk in your fenced in yard or hold the leash while you walk with them.

How do your children help with your pet?