Posts Tagged ‘parenting’

Turn on Those Listening Ears!

Tuesday, August 23rd, 2011

Have you found it challenging to capture your preschooler’s attention these days? Many parents try speaking louder or may yell out of frustration. While yelling can be scary for children, those who hear it often may simply tune it out. Your child may be ignoring you on purpose, exercising their “selective hearing” or just daydreaming.

Pssst! Here’s a hinttry whispering! A whisper can prompt your child to feel that something “secret” or “super special” is about to be said—and that’s something most preschoolers can’t resist!

How do you gain your child’s attention?

What Our Children Teach Us

Friday, July 15th, 2011

Infant Girl ClappingOur children come to us with a fresh look at life, full of uniqueness, purity and innocence. Each and every day, our children take joy in learning from us—not just the big life lessons, but the nuances, too. As grown-ups, we often rush through life, caught up in day to day tasks. In a blink, babies become preschoolers, and before we know it we’ll be cheering for them at their high school graduation.

Consider what our children can teach us, or remind us of, if we only let them. Our children can remind us what love is—true, unconditional love. They can remind us what it means to really apologize, to not just say “I’m sorry,” but to mean it. They can remind us what pure, raw emotion is—happiness, in its most genuine form, and sadness, too. They can remind us to look for joy in the smallest places. They can remind us to laugh and to laugh often—it lowers stress and it’s good for the soul.

What does your child teach you?

Parents: Reduce Stress with ‘Me Time’

Wednesday, May 11th, 2011

As parents, we have so many things on our minds—“Why isn’t my baby sleeping though the night anymore?” “Does my toddler eat a well-balanced diet?” “Will my preschooler be well liked by her classmates?” “Have I provided my kindergartener with the tools to succeed in school?”—the list goes on and on. It can be exhausting to plan and prepare for our young children’s day, week, life… You may think that enjoying a little “me time” takes away from your child—but it’s really quite the opposite! Relieving stress is an important part of staying healthy. To maintain sanity, make it a priority to schedule some “me time” in the busy to-do list that is the modern parent’s day-to-day life. Whether it is just a few minutes to yourself or a weekend getaway, “me time” can help us to “re-center” ourselves.

Feeling the time crunch? Try these quick (but still refreshing) tips:

  • Exercise. Exercise is a great way to relieve stress and manage your energy levels. A little goes a long way! Have your spouse watch the kiddies and go for a quick solo walk around the block.
  • Meditation. Close your eyes and breathe deep. Focus on how each breath flows in and out of your abdomen for one minute, or until you feel more relaxed.
  • Phone a friend. Take a few minutes to call that friend whose emails you haven’t had time to reply to. A brief conversation with another grown-up can help regain perspective. Plan in advance to focus on any “non-child-related” topic.

How do you fit a little “me time” into your hectic schedule? How do you enjoy spending this time?

First Time Parenting

Thursday, May 5th, 2011

Becoming a parent is like nothing you’ve ever experienced before. There are countless surprises in the event itself, even if you are in the minority of parents who were able to thoughtfully plan whether and when this should happen to you. Parenting is an important job we feel must be done well, which makes it all the more uncomfortable to feel so clueless about what’s happening to you, your marriage and your body. Moms are supposed to ’just know’ what to do, and fathers are supposed to ‘just know’ how to help them. Neither of these maxims helps much because they are mostly wrong and arcane. And if you are an adult when you become a parent, you are accustomed to knowing what to do as you work your way through your daily life – it’s probably been a while since you felt this inept, sacrificed this much sleep, effort and confidence and all for what – a few gassy smiles and some drool?

A few noteworthy first timer tips:

  • The ‘sensory surprise’ is my phrase for what catches many moms and dads off guard early on; holding the naked baby next to your skin (which is a very good thing to do) is calming and soothing for both you and the baby. Who knew? This touching, smelling, caressing stuff helps us find each other as sensory beings in this way too verbal world.  This is especially true for dads who have been in the cheap seats for the physical/sensory aspects of the gestation.
  • The ‘vocal surprise’ follows. When was the last time you found yourself singing or humming to anyone who would listen? Babies listen intently and seem to have an appetite for the human voice when it’s playing with sounds as in rhythmic speech, singing or cooing. Don’t hold back. This is the vocal equivalent of skin-to-skin cuddling and is just as enriching for both of you.
  • The next ‘surprise’ for the first timer might be the magical effect of swaddling on a fussy baby. Firmly but tenderly securing the babies arms and legs in the swaddling blanket keeps the baby warm and secure and is an important thing to learn how to do well. It seems to automatically comfort most babies and makes you feel like you know what you’re doing – especially important for first-time dads.
  • Two-thirds of his/her early life will be devoted to sleep, lumped into three-or four-hour segments at first. Sleeping through the night will come, but stomach capacities of the newborn aren’t initially adequate to this task. So get yourself informed about what to expect, problem-solving with your nurse/pediatrician ahead of time.  Sleep issues are among the thorniest for first timers, so listen to the seasoned pros about whether to sweat or not.
  • First time parents are often accompanied by first time grandparents. Here are a few tips for the first time grandparent:
    • Ask permission before rattling off advice. Egos are a little raw just now, so make sure you aren’t overstepping family boundaries.
    • Support the parents, both of them. Show them your tricks only if asked; this child is theirs, not yours.
    • Don’t expect much attention or entertainment when helping out.
    • When you help, help them both.  Helping your child’s partner is helping your child raise your grandchild.

Whistle While You Work: Your Child’s Chores

Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011

Music - GirlChores are a valuable life activity for everyone. They help fulfill our basic need to feel needed and contribute to our household. Helping others, and doing a good job at it, helps boost children’s self-esteem, while making them feel more confident, competent and valuable. However, getting children to put down the toys, turn off the television and get off the couch to help clean, declutter and spruce up the house isn’t an easy chore in itself! Here are some great ways to motivate children of any age to consistently get their chores done, while minimizing the moaning and groaning.

  • Keep a list of chores for every member of the family—even mom and dad. This helps children see that no one in the house is exempt from doing their fair share of the housework. If they see in black and white what mom and dad do each day, their chores may seem like less of a hassle.
  • Don’t expect perfection. When introducing a new chore, show your child how it is done first and then let them do it their way. It may not be exactly how you’d like it to be done, but at least they’re making an effort. Don’t step in and take over or redo the chore after they have finished. Next time, offer some tips on how to do it better. They’ll learn eventually and be encouraged to keep up with it.
  • Time it! If a chore is assigned, give a time frame for completing it. If not, your child may realize they can put it off until you or someone else takes care of it. When a chore is completed properly and on time, offer appreciation and praise for your child’s diligent follow through.

Sleeping Through the Night

Thursday, January 13th, 2011

A good night’s sleep is essential for both you and your baby.  The sooner your little one is sleeping well through the night, the sooner you can return to a beneficial sleep routine as well.

Newborns tend to wake frequently during the night until they reach about three months of age.  This is when most babies begin to sleep for longer periods of time and develop a regular sleep pattern.  By six months of age, most babies are able to sleep through the night, which can be anywhere from five hours on.

To help your baby reach the “sleeping through the night” goal, be sure to establish consistent bedtime and naptimes.  Also, develop a bedtime routine that will be repeated in the same order, at the same time each night.  Consistency is the key in helping your baby develop a healthy sleep pattern.  Find appropriate activities for your baby’s bedtime routine that will help her become calm and relaxed. If a certain activity, such as bathing, seems to be too stimulating, consider moving that activity to another time of day.

It’s also okay to wake your baby in the morning or rouse her from a nap if she is sleeping longer than you would like.  This will help her establish a healthy sleep schedule and to wake at the same time each day.

Putting your baby down to sleep when she shows signs of drowsiness, but is not yet asleep, will help her learn to fall asleep independently.  This is advantageous to helping her fall back to sleep if or when she wakes during the night.  Rather than crying for you to hold or feed her, she’ll be able to quietly fall back to sleep on her own.

Don’t be discouraged if these techniques take a while to work or don’t work for your baby.  Each baby’s needs are different and there are various sleep training techniques available.  Consult your baby’s doctor for other suggestions and remember to remain positive and consistent.

Grandparents and Young Children

Wednesday, September 8th, 2010

Does the following aphorism strike you as cynical or enlightened? Grandparents are close to their grandchildren because they share a common enemy.

I didn’t much appreciate this irony until I became a grandparent myself. The middle generation is the reason the grandkids exist in the first place, but they are also the ‘common enemy’ against which the forces of wisdom (grandparent) and immortality (grandchild) are arrayed. Grandparenthood enjoys the privileges of age and experience, and grandchildren (seeming) agelessness and inexperience. Only the ‘middlers’ bear the ultimate responsibility for damage control, missed bedtimes and nutritional excesses. Everything else is just plain old fun seasoned with pride.

But is this traditional view of grandparenting changing along with the American family? About 10% of all grandparents are caring for their grandchildren over 30 hours a week and/or 90+ sleepovers a year. Does this take a toll? Interestingly, caring for the young seems not only to have few negative effects on the older generation’s health, babysitting for them may be especially beneficial for grandmothers (grandfathers – as usual – await study).  This is not to say it’s always a piece of cake to smoothly manage all these needs spanning three generations.

Having two sets of grandparents should be a blessing, right? More helping hands, assets, etc.? But what if the styles and values of the grandparents differ significantly? For example-one pair childproofs the house for young visitors while the other refuses to do so ‘because it’s not good to teach children that the world can be changed to accommodate their needs.’ One routinely takes them shopping and the other insists that when they come to visit, they bring their own toys ‘since they don’t intend to spoil anyone.’

The effects of such variations on the grandparenting theme are less toxic to kids than to their parents since they learn early that it’s ‘G’Mom/Dad’s loving that matters; the goods and services are nice, but it’s being adored so unconditionally that feels so great. Not that the latter can’t be taken to the extreme occasionally. When my wife and I were recently consulting to an owner of multiple childcare centers in Shanghai and Peking, we heard, with troubling frequency, of young children ‘behaving so imperiously, defying teacher authority repeatedly’ because – according his head teachers – they are ‘treated like little emperors/empresses by four doting grandparents’ per child (given China’s one child policy).

Some suggestions to avoid such pitfalls while establishing lasting closeness through unique grandparent/child activities are listed below:

  • pick a series of picture or chapter books that are shared only between grandparent and grandchild
  • chose a particular destination for the skipped generation pairing –a manageable museum, a public park, breakfast/desert outings
  • apprentice the grandchild to a grandparent’s passion – dominoes, cooking, card games, fishing, a team sport (fan or participant)
  • memory moments stimulated by old photos, or recollections of parental childhood, or just ‘when I was your age…’
  • a ‘treasure box’ of things kept at grandparent’s house that are only played with, or worn, there

The Grown Up Life: Marriage and Parenting

Monday, August 23rd, 2010

Parental and marital burnout is a common fellow traveler at the end of the third parental year.  It should not be ignored, any more than a lump or a polyp.  And it is just as important that you fix it while it is still benign.

It seems to show up now because we finally let ourselves relax a bit, having gotten our kids talking, potty-trained (or at least started), loving and human enough to believe they will at least have a life.  But that’s when we often begin wondering about our own life, sometimes for the first time in years.

Research on family development shows that marital satisfaction can get perilously low early in the lives of kids because they seem to be such huge energy sinks.  Thoughts of “Are-we-having-fun-yet?” guiltily badger mothers and fathers, especially if they keep these thoughts to themselves.  If you are not enjoying parenting, it may mean that you are working too hard at it.  You may be allowing yourself no savor time because you are too busy whipping the process of development into a frenzy.  My father’s favorite relevant quote: “Trying to teach a pig to sing is just a waste of time.  It frustrates the farmer and really irritates the pig.”  Return to being a parent, not a driver, and let your child return to growing instead of balking.

As for the marriage or partnership that spawned this child, it, too, is usually nurtured by a heart-mind connection that requires periodic preventive and reparative maintenance.  The three-year or 36,000-mile (stairs, chasing, cruise & snooze, shopping) check-up is critical for long-term endurance, because if that machine isn’t purring along, the wheels are going to eventually come off, given the road conditions ahead.

Take time to be together and uncover who you are as adults with minds, opinions, ideas, hobbies, yearnings and dreams.  Date, overnight away, lunch, whatever.  Pay someone else to feed or entertain you for a change, to reverse the energy flow.  Replenishing affection between adults takes conscious effort.  Childcare involves so much touching, holding, carrying, bathing and comforting that adult affection can simply get crowded out of a relationship.  But the replenishment of that affectional and intellectual tie between the adults will be especially important in the years to come when the older school-age child wouldn’t get caught dead kissing a parent on the cheek, much less discuss the idea!

Bottom line: you’ll be fine.  Meanwhile, celebrate how far you’ve come together, and whom you have uniquely become together.  These have been golden years to savor and adore.  None of us would amount to anything without each other, and these early parenting years show better than any others.

Family - Father DaughterMothers and fathers care for their children in very unique ways.  Children can recognize the differences between mother and father care, which actually enhances their development.  This article focuses on the critical role fathers play in a child’s development.

Newborns can differentiate between mom’s voice and touch and dad’s voice and touch.  Although mom may have gotten a head start on the bonding process with the baby, dads have their chance, too.  By six weeks old an infant can distinguish a father’s voice from a mother’s, and while a quiet baby may pay more attention to mom’s voice, an upset baby will calm more readily to his father’s handling.  Mothers usually are very consistent in the way that they handle their children, often picking them up in the same manner, saying the same thing before they handle them, for example, at bath or bedtime.  Dads rarely approach the baby with such consistency.  Each time they pick up the baby, they usually do so in a different manner than before, but this helps the baby recognize that it is dad who is holding him.

Time with dad is typically less structured and more play-oriented than with mom.  Most of mother’s time with her children is dedicated to care-giving tasks or educational play, while dad’s time is less structured and full of impromptu play.  Where mom uses toys, dad tends to use his body.  Dads are typically more physical with the kids and they love it.  Physical play helps to stimulate both physical and brain development.  Dads also have a tendency to make any situation educational, even if they don’t realize it themselves, so that a father’s tasks around the house might be an adventure for the child.

Fathers challenge their children to learn.  Obviously, both mom and dad want to help their child learn in any way they can, but they do this differently also.  For example, when teaching a frustrated child, a mother tends to assist her in finding the answer; whereas, a father is more likely to guide the child through the frustration and challenge her longer to find the answer on her own.  Fathers also encourage more exploration and boundary pushing than moms do.  A father’s way of teaching his child persistence in the face of adversity results in positive academic and social performance in the long run.  Certainly, one style is not better than the other, and children absolutely benefit from both.